New Year’s Day again, and I am still waiting. In some ways it is a waiting for Susanna to be here again. There is a five year old inside of me who, like some of her friends, still asks when she is coming back. I need that five year old’s hope and innocence. There is an adolescent inside of me too, waiting for every opportunity to rebel and object. I need her anger to help me survive. And there is an optimistic and able thirty year old inside of me as well. She makes me able to deal.

In earth time we need to make plans and perform jobs. I have been doing this as I wait patiently for some joy to return. I look for it as a lost sailor may look for land, not quite within vision, yet I navigate as if I know it is there. It lives in my soul and I will track it down.

“Resilience” means that I will survive what has happened and somehow I have completed 2015, a whole year without Susanna. That happened a day at a time. I would like to thank all of you who read my blog. The whole truth is that I write posts when I am lost and your presence helps heal me. I would like to thank the people who work with me and see me in my neighborhood and ask how I am, and look beneath the “okay” and understand that I may never be okay again. You help me through the day with your eyes and heart. And I want to thank the friends and family who are with me and know that there is no scope and time limit to the pain and that the most you can do is accept along with me. We will find a way together, to weather.

Especially, I am thankful for the whispers and breezes of this multi-layered and mysterious universe. I do not survive and move through this world without Susanna. I spend my days in awe of how love and spirit reach through whenever I allow it. Susanna is here, though her body died. She is in good company and there are many benevolent forces guiding my steps. I have a purpose, and it supersedes the day to day concerns which used to seem like everything. And all of us are only performers on a temporary stage. This is neither a mere line of Shakespeare nor a leisurely pondering for me anymore but the basic truth. Choose well, people, we are in this for eternity.

Susanna, if you are reading this, please know that I thank you most of all. I thank you for coming here to teach me things that I will not understand now. I thank you for your cryptic messages and your presence which transcends physics. I thank you for your role in showing how love is boundless, and love is all.


By trishfreer

Mother, writer, artist and teacher grappling with grief and loss.

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