“Living in the moment” is something which came to mind yesterday. Being that it is summer, and I have some time on my hands, I have been on a relentless self-improvement plan. The highlights include “plant-based” eating, coffee reduction, fashioning a new career and decluttering. All of these are noble aspirations but not my whole story. So, the futility of entirely remaking myself within ten weeks has sort of come to a head and revealed itself, time to let it go.
I do not often live in the moment, if that means being free, light-hearted and happy. On the other hand, I think we all live in the moment. We make choices about how to live, all the time. Some moments are full of fear and worry and suffering, some are not. Maybe we all hurry through life, only to wish we had slowed down. But I do not believe the universe ever runs out of patience.
I look forward to the summer, these past couple of years especially. I now see it as my time to collect myself and be the mother and person I want be, especially to Susanna. There are so many things to do for my son continuously throughout the year. I can talk to him and cook for him and buy him things, take him to the doctor if he is sick and send him to school. Being Susanna’s mother is different. I look for signs of her when I walk in the park. Bits of litter shaped like an “S”, fireflies or birds. I use software to scan my declining computer in case I have lost pictures. As I am able, I sort through her things. We still do not want to part with them, but I clean up and rearrange them, mindful of how we know she is still with us in the ways that she can be. In the summer I have more time to remember, more time to cry. Also, I have more space to appreciate that the pain and the horror come with tremendous amounts of compassion and love. I did not know love like this before (I will put Stephanie Mills on my playlist today). I did not understand that this life is temporary, but the power and essence of love truly can move mountains, and truly do last forever. This is valuable knowledge which does not often alleviate my suffering, but makes me a better person and keeps me going forward. I do not go forward without my daughter, but slowly and faithfully with her always by my side.