When my daughter Susanna died in 2014, I started her blog as a way to cope. She was only five years old, and out of nowhere suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm. Sometimes I could not think of how to deal with the pain, and writing seemed to help a bit.
I wrote a lot about how I can feel and see Susanna still with me, and about how I imagine the afterlife. I see evidence, as many people do, that we go on. I sense the presence of the dead, and pretty much believe that we will all be reunited with those we love. I do not know this for sure, because no one does. Even if, when the time comes, I die and there is nothing more, I have the deepest respect for the way people sharing grief with one another heals us, and makes us more alive. I plan to write more about this.
Since Susanna’s death, and the years that have passed, I have healed some. The pain of her absence is always still there, and sometimes crashes in on me, as if it happened yesterday. But in between I am still able to love people, love being on this planet, and love contibuting as best I can. Since I have read what other bereaved parents have written, my hope has always been that someone might find it helpful to know they are not alone.
When Susanna was still here, she came to me wearing a princess gown and said: “Mommy, I need lips and hair. I’m going to the Golden Ball”. I picture her in a grand celestial ballroom. I named this blog for her. I’ve kept living my life for her. Love doesn’t die.
Trish Freer