“Want”. That is the word that explains the pain which has held me back lately, and among other things kept me from opening Word and writing. There are so many complaints and trappings piled on top, but the truth is that I ache from wanting. I want to turn off all of the noise. I want to relinquish many of my responsibilities. I want other people to be less human and see things the way I do. I want to float endlessly in a magical bath of freedom laced with rose petals. And above all I want my daughter to be here, and her death to have never happened. This is a want which will never be satisfied or go away, the kind with which I must make friends.
Today is the autumnal equinox, celebrated in Wicca as Mabon, the second and middle harvest. Equal parts night and day, a time to be grateful for what is left to harvest and know that the earth is dying. Though temporarily. Perhaps there can be balance in knowing that things will not always be as I want them to be, but there will be a time for the wanting I feel to have its meaning known and respected.
When my kids were small, I remember them watching cartoons and figuring out that they wanted the toys they saw on the commercials. In flagrant displays of nascent consumerism they would call out “Buy me that!” constantly. I learned quickly that they were satisfied if I said, “I will buy you that later.” As appalling as the incessant peddling may be, I did not want to crush anyone’s wants and desires. No matter what you want and whether I approve, and whether or not I can or will help you to have it, I care about what you want. Wanting is the first step to many great things.
This past summer I enlisted the help of a few energy healers to soothe my broken heart. During one session I kept envisioning myself inside of a gigantic dessert made of chocolate and whipped cream. It was not as simple as eating a dessert. There is something deeper at play, and I still do not know fully what it is. The healer told me that this sounded abundant. I found my mind drifting yesterday into food and recipes, googling “chocolate” and “cream”. My soul is searching for something, and it will not be immediately sated by what sits in front of me, or what I put on a mental shopping list.
I want Susanna back. I want to not have to watch her brother grow and change on earth without her. I want to buy two of everything again. I also want to love her unconditionally and let her know that I understand. We all cross over one day. We all walk a path upon which our span of years living on earth may seem like a speck of minutes. I respect the paths of others in my life, as I hope they respect mine. Letting go of someone’s path, when you love them deeply, hurts and sometimes knocks you over. As much as I wish there was a clause for avoiding this when it comes to my children, there is not.
I am so proud of you, Susanna, if you can read this. I am proud of you for coming here for five years to pour over everyone who knew you with love and grace. I am proud of how clear and joyous your voice was, every day of your life. Someday, I look forward to when I wake up with you next to me again and we can plan our days, filled with celestial golden parties. For now, I have things to do and figure out. Wherever I go, I will see your shining face up ahead of me. You are sweeter and more sumptuous than a mountain of chocolate cream pie.