Summer has come again. For some, this means beach vacations, pools and parties. I appreciate these things, but for me, the introverted teacher, this means a welcome return to more frequent solitude. It means more walking, more puttering, more daydreaming. I can again be still and talk to trees. I can again be still and talk to Susanna. My heart has felt cloudy during this past busy season. Much letting go is in order. I am letting tears come and letting blockages ebb away, allowing them to dissolve with the help of the love which has been circling around me lately. I am grateful for this beginning.
Today is the first day my extroverted son has left me for day camp. I did a bit of yoga, alone and without anyone else’s screens making noise this time. I set up an altar with my sacred items. The pink quartz heart with tiny cracks, a tiny ceramic picture frame with sculpted flowers and my daughter’s sweet face, various angels and candles. I lit the sage smudge stick, which I keep in the abalone shell given to me by my friend Michelle, who is on the other side. I settled in to meditate and surrender, I asked for help to know where I am going and what to do. I breathed deeply and calmed myself. I cried and sobbed, coming home to a place I know has been waiting for me.
The words came out of my mouth amidst sobs and into the empty room. I said them and heard them at the same time, this was the voice of my heart. This is what I needed to say, and this is what I wanted to tell you, kind people who have stayed with me and read my blog:
Mother/Father Godess/God, spirits, ancestors, Archangel Michael, forces of the elements (I needed everyone today): Please take care of my little girl. Please watch out for her and love her like I want to. Please give her everything I can ever think of. Please bless her with love. Please bless everything she is and everything she does.
These are the words I needed to say today to free myself. Just as there is a Susanna-shaped hole in our home and our lives, there is a hole in me where I need to love her and take care of her. This part of me is so broken that only all of the forces in the universe can help heal it. It is not hard to find someone who needs love, but I will always want to be giving my love to her. As I take care of my son here on earth, I always reach for her concurrently. I see her absence but she will never be less real for me, for me she lives.
These words have been inside of me, needing to come out and clear a path for Susanna and me. I say them as testament, my daughter exists and is part of me. Wishing you all peace and love. Please soak in an inner tube, run through a sprinkler, or watch old movies. It is summer. Know your loved and missed ones are there, love is forever.