My Boat is Small

There is a kind of fear that comes with being a mother. I know I am not alone with this, and probably many fathers have it as well. A deep and unsettling fear of everything. Everything that might harm your children. You learn to manage it, yet it is always there. When I was pregnant… Continue reading My Boat is Small

The Birthday Party Goes On

Today is Susanna’s birthday, six years since I gave birth to her. It has also become “Susanna’s Day of Kindness”, with people doing amazing things because they know about her. I am not ready to write about that today. There are intense happenings inside of me which have not crystalized into words yet. I will… Continue reading The Birthday Party Goes On

Why I Do Not Have a Tattoo

I thought about getting a tattoo after Susanna died. Pictures of a potential self to become drifted through my mind at times, and for some reason she had black hair, skull shaped silver rings and tattoos. Also I understood the permanence, a person’s memory inked into your body for the life span of the body,… Continue reading Why I Do Not Have a Tattoo

Dance with Santa

So many things make sense to me since Susanna crossed over. Nothing makes you more human than joining the universal community of the bereaved, I get that now. People who chase and escape death by daredevil sports, I get that. Celebrities who adopt children in unusual numbers, I get that. They do not want to… Continue reading Dance with Santa

Primal Voices

A week from Tuesday it will be six years since I gave birth to Susanna via VBAC. I began pushing at around four thirty in the afternoon and kept pushing, to no avail, for maybe ninety minutes. We made some headway (no pun intended) and finally I received some type of inspiration from within to… Continue reading Primal Voices