bereaved parents – Susanna's Golden Ball

Unfrozen

It’s Susanna’s birthday today. She was born sixteen years ago, during a deep freeze and snowstorm. The pipes froze while she was arriving, but the iron boiler installed in the kitchen of our new basementless home chugged on. The ice clogs within the pipes dissolved soon after, and Cesar washed the pile of dishes… Continue reading Unfrozen

Miss

photo of Susanna, April, 2014 April is the cruellest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain. from The Waste Land by T.S. Elliot I miss Susanna in the sunshine. I miss her in the rain. I miss her in the snow. I miss her in… Continue reading Miss

Susanna, the Sheep and My iPad

This photo just popped up from my cloud: Susanna, in a red and white gingham dress, was talking to a sheep. Speckled beige wool poked through a wire cage at the Prospect Park Zoo. We had just fed the ducks and chickens. Over and over, we dropped quarters upon quarters into the corn and… Continue reading Susanna, the Sheep and My iPad

“I’m Here”: A Fictional Halloween Story

Essence was going to be an angel for Halloween. She had several costumes this year, some for parties that happened on other days preceding. Her mother had hesitated to buy more than one costume, worrying this might be excessive. But she bought more, for her little girl, who was deeply loved. One costume was a… Continue reading “I’m Here”: A Fictional Halloween Story

Dumb Supper

The veil is thin, October, and I am surrounded by mist. I can sometimes feel droplets, the atmosphere is cool and blurry. My awareness vacillates, I can be here or somewhere else. Susanna’s death, now years ago, pushed me toward an edge which became my home. Life/death, death/life, this blurry line is home. My… Continue reading Dumb Supper

I Have Covid-19, Don’t Panic

I have COVID-19. I cannot prove it, I am not eligible for a test, but I am certain beyond a reasonable doubt. I am one of the approximately eighty percent recovering at home with no test. So grateful that this is so. This is the story. I felt it best to share this, as I… Continue reading I Have Covid-19, Don’t Panic

Wendy

My son has a red lump on his left arm. It rose a bit at the site of a flu vaccine he received yesterday, when we visited the pediatrician for a benign ailment which has now disappeared. We waited for the doctor and I read the poster with charts: “Quantifying Morbidity and Mortality for Influenza”.… Continue reading Wendy

Crescendo

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by… Continue reading Crescendo

Brave Face

Busy lately, and suffering from too much Brave Face. The face that masks pain in order to get work done, in order to make an appearance when I must. I wear it only sometimes for others, more often for myself. I want to be more whole than I really am. There is a small piece… Continue reading Brave Face

War?

Last night I dreamt that Susanna was here with me, in the kitchen. I consider this part of my kitchen a power vortex. Here, we used to bake and cook together as she stood on a chair. We opened the jars of herbs and spices just to inhale. The magic surpasses the recipes. Supernatural events… Continue reading War?